When you are in love don’t take it for granted because it is everything
Holding the beauty and the suffering of the world at the same time
“See Paris First” – Embracing Fear to Fully Experience Love
When you are in love don’t take it for granted because it is everything
We stayed at St. Christoper’s Inn Canal, a party hostel that stayed true to its reputation by hosting a beer pong tournament in the lobby every night. Thankfully, we had booked a private room and it was cute and quiet. We liked the hostel mostly because of its location, as in the morning I went for a delightful run along the Paris canal and saw so much life happening. There were soccer games, runners, dogs being walked and dogs walking humans, kids playing everywhere, and just joyfulness. It felt like a very healthy and beautiful environment. I came back and Kait was still getting some zzzz’s so I went down for the free breakfast at our hostel and found a seat next to the canal. It was gorgeous. The sun was sparkling off of the water like glitter. I overheard a conversation between two gentlemen in their mid to late 30s at the table next to me, one from England and the other from Austria. They both seemed to be sharing stories of heartbreak and longing for love over cappuccinos. The one guy spoke of prostitutes and getting catfished in Paris by someone he met online and the other talking about this being the end of his long relationship. Then they turned to me maybe thinking I could commiserate. But with the glow I had they could probably tell I am totally in love. And I shared that I could not be happier and am more in love than I ever thought was even possible. Kait is truly the love of my life and I am savoring every second of being with her. I believe we all are looking for the same thing and when you find it you don’t take it for granted. You cherish that love and protect and fight for that love over anything. And so I could not have been more joyful to be back in Paris now 34 totally in love with Kait thinking about how my 18 year old single self that was in Paris could not have imagined a better today.
Holding the beauty and the suffering of the world at the same time
Then we went to a park to meet up with an acquaintance of mine named Hedy. We had met recently in a Center for Courage and Renewal virtual retreat and she had mentioned she lived in Paris. As Kait and I planned our trip, I reached out to Hedy and we were each up for the fun of meeting a stranger who apparently has courage and renewal. Hedy had shared in our retreat that she was hosting a refugee Ukrainian family and I really was in awe of her in the ways she opened up her home to the world’s need in this time of global crises. The greatest gift that Hedy gave us was the gift of her example. She fell in love with a Parisian man and moved from the US to rural France. She shared with Kait and I how she had never felt more safe as a woman in France as compared to the US where she regularly experienced feeling unsafe and the daily oppression of a patriarchal and sexist society. If there is anything I pray for Kait it is for her to be safe and totally free. And so it made me joyful to have Kait meet Hedy and see Paris as a very different alternative from the US. I think just knowing that there is another option, that you are not stuck, is so empowering because then you have a choice. I choose Kait being safe and free first and foremost.
Hedy invited us to join her that night at a choir concert with the Ukrainian family she is hosting. We gladly accepted the invite and we soon found ourselves a row behind Hedy and the family in a beautiful, yet hot church listening to some very relaxing mellow choir music. Given that Kait and I were about 24 hours off of the flight over, we were hella tired. It literally felt like a survivor competition, (outwit, outplay, outlast) to stay awake in this environment. And the potential awkwardness of falling asleep in front of a new friend, a whole Ukrainian family, and the entire church full of Parisians felt daunting. My eyelashes fluttered heavily as I tried to keep my eyes open and I was getting sweaty AF. The guy to Kait’s left fell asleep almost immediately, seemingly unabashedly as if he bought a ticket to this show just to get a good nap in. It made it all the more enticing to just close one eyeball and then the other… But we both persevered. Thankfully because what I saw next was the littlest girl of the Ukrainian family put her head down on her mom’s lap and fall asleep. And in that moment I felt so grateful that this Ukrainian family was okay. That this little Ukrainian girl could rest, if only for a few moments during a mellow hot Parisian choir concert.
Before Kait and I went on this trip I remember feeling a bit shy to share with others that I was going on a Euro trip over Spring Break despite the Russian invasion of Ukraine. We had booked our tickets well in advance of this war beginning but yet it still felt like it somehow needed to be defended in my mind that we could travel for leisure at a time like this. It made me reflect on a critical experience I had in college as part of the Pangea World Service Team in Nicaragua.I remember being torn by the joyful contentment of so many Nicaraguans I met while also seeing the ways in which extreme poverty limited life opportunities for many Nicaraguans and was primarily caused by the United States. A little 8 year-old boy named Carlos had to stop playing soccer with me to go work in a factory to support his family. It broke my heart. The amount of human caused suffering led me to feel hatred for human nature and this world. It overwhelmed me. Over the last decade I struggled at times to be able to hold both the suffering and the beauty of the world at the same time. As an activist I also felt like I needed to be hyper focused on all the injustice and suffering at all times and that it was endless and that I could never do enough. And yet the world is complex. I have learned that it is important to hold both the beauty and the suffering at the same time.
“See Paris First” – Embracing Fear to Fully Experience Love
In the case of travel I found it to be very important that Kait and I did travel at this time. If anything the pandemic message was “stay home” and you are only safe with your own blood family. Be afraid of strangers. Be afraid of everybody. And I think travel is the opposite of this. I feel travel says the world is your home. I feel travel says everyone is your family. I feel travel says there is no stranger. I feel travel says don’t be afraid – get closer to what you are afraid of.
SEE PARIS FIRST by M. Truman Cooper
Suppose that what you fear
could be trapped,
and held in Paris.
Then you would have
the courage to go
everywhere in the world.
All the directions of the compass
open to you,
except the degrees east or west
of true north
that lead to Paris.
Still, you wouldn’t dare
put your toes
smack dab on the city limit line.
You’re not really willing
to stand on a mountainside
miles away
and watch the Paris lights
come up at night.
Just to be on the safe side
you decide to stay completely
out of France.
But then danger
seems too close
even to those boundaries,
and you feel
the timid part of you
covering the whole globe again.
You need the kind of friend
who learns your secret and says,
“See Paris first.”
